Thanks to Hariom and Gagan ( who has recently joined and is a fresher). Thank you guys. For winning this one.

Hariom is also very near to testing the logic to be used in the software for the calculations with reference to the surfaces and the instruments for a single airport. Chandrakant is doing some reverse engineering for a site in Mumbai and he will also need to visit it very soon to collect a few coordinates. Amit has joined us in accounts and OmPrakash in administration. Let us see. Fingers crossed as always. The beginning is good. I have already shouted once (or maybe twice) and they have not quit. Hope is a good thing anyway.

It is so difficult for us to just manage the office ,bills,clients,meals. Wonder how HP manages the earth with its rotation and every miniscule life on it. It would be good to exchange notes with HP. I mean free of cost of course. Why would HP charge us? It is only man who cannot think of anything without charging.

A lot of potential team members are reading the blog. Sone pe suhaga. I mean why would they like to join after knowing all the nitty gritties of GC? A million dollar question. Kya hoga tera kaaliya. I hope it cannot get any worse. That the worst is over ( we have said that many times in the past too).

I don’t think I am writing intelligent stuff. I should pack up. One of the tyres in my car is punctured and that will need changing before I can reach home, hopefully before the time freezed by Appu which is 1:30 pm ( in the night of course). The team packed up early today (which means by 9:30pm) and that is amazing. They have only been able to leave by 11:30pm or 12:30pm in the past few  months.

‘Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence,

And I am learning, whatever state I am in,

therein to be content.’ – Helen Keller

Bahut ho gaya. We will need to take away the freedom offered, the sense of ownership provided. Koi ownership nahin hai. If backstabbing is the forte of today’s generation, then let us be prepared for it. I was thinking that I have failed in creating leaders. But then technology can be taught. skills can be taught. But how can one teach values and ethics. Or integrity. These cannot be inculcated overnight. So how and where does one locate honesty and straightforwardness in a CV?

I managed to clean up a lot of files yesterday. Of course a lot of cleaning and managing is still required. The viruses in the form of people have left but the infection remains. It will take some time to disinfect the office and the minds of the remaining members. The server room is also being cleaned today. Stock taking of the pantry is in process and Om Prakash is checking out the files on the systems. We are gearing up for the next phase. Clearing up, cleaning up, growing up.

The silver trophies, the certificates, the food, money on time and on demand. Kuch pharak nahin padta. They want it all. I guess alll the team members want to be the captains of the ship without the responsibilities. I used to think that there was something wrong with us. But no, there is nothing wrong with us (except for the fact that I am a woman). We are just fine. Its the members who cannot cope with the unearned freedom, power and trust given to them on a platter.

Its becoming increasingly rare to find an honest man. An honest team.
Chirag lekar dhoodna padega. In fact, that is the biggest challenge for us today.

To build a good team.

The technical team has shaped up very well. Bhagat,Dimpi and Narendra have ensured that there is no loss of work as far as the launch of the online shop is concerned. Kamakhya fills in, in various places and at various levels.
Ashok is struggling with the set-up of the software module. The worst hit is the HR/Admin/Accounts. Hopefully, we will be able to build a more professional team. Everyone asks whether GC needs employees? The answer is No. We are looking for leaders and/or partners in building this company. And that is a tall order for most people. They wish to to be called a leader but do not have what it takes to ‘becoming one’. ‘To be a leader’ is the greatest challenge of all. And when they find themselves falling short of the ideal, they blame me (mostly) and get out. Find an easy exit route. patli gali se nikal lo. Before everyone discovers that they are not capable of delivering.

We have begun the discussions for building some legal teeth so that there is something at stake for everyone at GC. It should not be a win-lose situation. It should be a win-win situation for all. Or a lose-lose situation if that is what it comes down to.

There was quite a chaos in the courtyard of the house today as the nest carrying the baby birds fell down and they were hopping all over the place. And the mother was chirping loudly above. It was with great difficulty that they were brought together and placed in the nest which also had to be fixed in between the branches of the tree, manually.

Ok. Time to hand over and just do what we can with what we have. Maybe it is a time for waiting. Maybe it is a time for contemplation. Maybe it is a time to just breathe. And be.

It will all come together at the right moment. The right moment.

When?

A lot of work is pending in the house and in the office. The business plan is lying in cold storage. A lot of mails have to be sent. And of course we need work. A lot has been lost. In terms of faith in people, in family,in systems. It can be referred to as ‘growing up’. Or it can be termed as ‘disillusionment’. Call it what you may.

NATMO has still not paid up. I wonder what gives government bodies the right  to withhold payment after taking the entire work. Upteen calls and letters have not helped. It is pointless to take them to court. It would take ages and cost more than what is due. If we were to charge compensation for the delay in payment, that in itself would amount to ten times the original cost of the project. It might be prudent to explore the option. We will have to get used to the idea of taking errant people to court, even if it is unpalatable.

The atta and chawal have finished in the office. Oh God, not again. The washbasin is leaking in the toilet and there is seepage elsewhere. It seems that the plumbers,carpenters and electricians will be needed forever.

The battle has begun,or it is over. It has been won or it has been lost.

Or maybe it does not matter at all.

Letting go, I am learning is the hardest part of being true to oneself. Letting go of relationships, of things, of spaces which do not work for us anymore. There is always this hope. In the case of relationships that they might get better and in the case of things that we might just need them sometime, somewhere. Except that nothing changes. What does not work, does not work. taking a decision either way is tough. Its easier to live with clutter. If we let go of everything, what will remain. just emptiness. just aloneness. And ourselves. And would it be easy to live with our own selves? I have always heard in the NA meetings that to live with someone else, it is first important to be able to live alone with ourselves.

We should be able to pay the salaries for the month of March. How cool is that. And the rent. That is awesome man. Kya bolen. It is like winning the match. With all the odds against us.

Statistics. Numbers, turnovers, marks, percentages, traffic, number of visitors. How does it matter? In the end, is that all that matters? Funny.Tragic. Comic.

Conversion of human life to statistics.

Just numbers.

What a quantum leap in our civilization.

Dimpi is back (Thank God!). The Gurgaon project is nearly complete although the client is in a shock over the maximum permissible heights calculated. We will need to make a presentation in front of the top bosses to communicate the news (no one wants to carry the results of the study) and back it up with technical evidence. What a job? The work on the Chennai site is in progress and we should be able to summarize it by the end of this week. The Nagaur and Uniyara work has been submitted against a part payment. The balance is anyone’s guess. Silakari is Silakari. Even a phone conversation with him can be very draining.

Stay the course guys. Stay the course. Slow and steady. We need to keep making runs.

We are now serving breakfast and lunch. The weekly rations in the office have been taken care of (what a relief!). We have also begun drop facility for the team members in the evening (night actually,we end up closing the day only by 9:00pm) The house is also somewhat stable with a morning to evening help. Amazing. ‘No crisis’ situation is somewhat strange in this part of the world, at least for us.

We are growing up. Painfully. With a lot of resistance. At least we are not dead or dying.

There is a get together for the IIT Kanpur 88 batch, my batch. I have been invited. Its so strange. Me, a failure, an outcast from my own family with no assets or property or name. I have been invited. I had even stopped mentioning my education (formal) in the real (and harsh) world outside where a woman is just that. ‘A woman’. However, I have been invited (I am saying that again becasue its so stange and new). And I might just go.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to fear. I did my best.

And I can leave the earth in peace.

Speed,fight for survival, bills, identification papers,constantly running to make money,name,fame, what madness. The higher the speed, the higer the rate of success, higher the rate at which the moolah comes in. And ‘moolah’ is everything. Before an emotional crash happens and all that matters is lost.

We need chairs in the office ( we always need something or the other). There is work (of course, how many times do I need to say this?) and there is money (expected, better than no money and no expectation of getting any).

Everyone is growing up in the office and growing up is painful. So there is relief,there is pain and there is the agony of dealing with me, with the client and with life.

Self supporting. Emotionally,spiritually and financially.

To hell with it. Just breathing is becoming difficult.

p.s: I am extremely grateful for everyone who has commented on this blog. I have not been able to answer individually as I am constantly running out of time between running the house and office. But I need to share that I am touched and honored. Thank you very much. I have nothing except these sharings. Maybe sometimes ‘nothing’ is ‘everything’. Thanks.

The visiting cards with the new swanky design are being processed. And it is being discussed that the entire lunch will be prepared in the office as we have a larger pantry now and it is also away from the technical section, hence the noise and fumes will not afffect the equipment and PC’s. So it is that all the  containers with dals and spices have been packed into a carton with a pressure cooker, ‘kadahi’ and ‘thali’( wonder what is next?). Of course as of now it is going from the house so I will need to replace everything in the house (tough job). So now we will be a company providing freshly cooked lunch, in-house to its team members. Nice. Very nice. Unless of course the burden of buying rations for the office kitchen falls on me ( buying for the house is enough of a job).

Shiva handled the contractors in the office today and I am very grateful for that. They are quite a handful to handle. Always trying to do a shoddy job to save money (that too peanuts). I wish we could as a country, focus more on ‘the creation of wealth’ than on ‘saving peanuts’. And doing that by executing a damn good job than just trying to cut corners and saving pennies by delivering sub-standard outputs (this sentence is really too long).

Me and Appu have been discussing the setting up of a fund for ‘women enterpreneurs’ at some stage. I thought of it when I was making the rounds of various banks and it took me three years to just start this unit. Specially for women ‘with no apparent men’ (husbands,fathers,brothers) in their lives. It takes an eternity to kickstart anything for women in general but for ‘women with no men’ in their lives, it is a task next to impossible.

Somebody ( a man) had asked me once ‘teri aukat kya hai’? Frankly, I do not know. I just know that I am trying to be self sufficient and self supporting and it has taken all my energy to do that. If ‘aukat’ is a measure of the amount of property and family support one has, then I have none. But if it is a measure of the ‘efforts’ put in to build a clean and decent life, I have loads of it. So I guess it depends on what the measurement scale is. I felt very hurt and humiliated then. But now I understand that ‘reference frames’ can be different. Just like Newtons’ laws apply to only Newtonian frames, the measurement of ‘aukat’ would only be valid for people living in a world where ‘money and property’ is everything.

Feeling the feelings. Quite a luxury.

It is very cold in the new office and we are trying to arange heaters for the technical section. It would be difficult for anyone to work in such low temperatures. The contractor for the woodwork has done an extremely shoddy job and we will need to re-do a lot of work. Below standard work always causes more problems than it solves. The culture of ‘doing one’s best’ is hard to come by. This attitude of ‘ excellence’ is what is lacking in us. We just do what is enough to get by, to survive. And that is what leads to mediocrity. That is what holds us back. That is what is stopping us from becoming leaders in any sphere.

There is water in the overhead tank in the house yet there is no water supply. There seems to be some blockage which is being checked. Either there is no water or there is no flow of water. Its just mindboggling. Just arranging the water,gas and electricity is a huge task. So my quiet morning has gone for a toss.

Took Appu to the hospital last night after coming back from the office. She was not feeling well but I could not leave office till late night and hence could take her to the doctor ony at 1:00 om in the night. She has a throat infection and she has been put on antibiotics for five days.

We have two presentations scheduled tommorrow and I have no idea whether we are even ready for the grill. But life hits you whether you are ready for it or not. And spirituality mostly takes a backseat in the struggle to just stay alive and get water in the pipes.

Staying alive. Quite a task.

So we decided to begin giving kickbacks in advance. Specially at Gorakhpur Nagar Nigam, Mr. Anurag Agarwal of Uptron (the nodal agency for IT in UP) asked for Rs. 50K in advance and we transferred it to his wife’s account. The project did not work out as detailed in one of my posts as Rolta came in at the last minute to save themselves from blacklisting. So although we were technically the best, pricewise the lowest AND we had given kickback, we did not close the project.

The other two smaller projects of jaunpur and Barabanki are also through Uptron and since we have asked for a price raise which Uptron is not agreeing to, we may just have to leave them midway. So I tried calling up Anurag to ask him to return the kickback. I mean, we have not really earned anything and it is a huge amount for us. It could help us in completing the other projects. Initially we asked him on phone and he was vague and nonchalant about it. Now I have sent him a mail with a cc to his seniors and have asked him upfront to return the ‘advance commission’ as the deal had not worked out. I hope this is the deal. If the work is done, you get the money, if it is not done, you return the money in good faith.

So, the point I am trying to make here is that ‘kickbacks’ never work for us. All the good projects we have got have been without commission, but of course at a low price and with great struggle. Meerut was also tough as Vivek Bhaskar had taken kickbacks from us. If we give, we are in a mess, if we do not give, it is still a mess.

Kick the ‘Kickbacks’.