Tag: thought

From Maps to Horses

Jeena hai? Do you want to live?

But of course? Jeevan hi toj ji rahen hain. We are living. I mean all our efforts are going into living. Just living. Paying the bills, keeping our I cards in place and up to date, arranging the basic utilities of electricity, water, roof. I guess very soon we will need to pay extra for oxygen also.

I mean like ‘truly live’?Not ‘live live’.

What do you mean by ‘truly living’? ‘Just living’ ke liye itna marna pad raha hai. Abhi ‘ true living ke liye’ kya karna hoga?  And what the hell is the difference? When generations before us have ‘just lived’, how do we know what is ‘ true living’?  Another spiritual discourse?Paise chhaiyen? yeh sab bolne ki fees chhahiye? Le lo yaar. Time waste mat karo bhai.

For ‘true living’, you only have to stop ’ just living’.

Kya shabdon ka khel hai. Beyond us. Please let us be.

No time to sleep. No time to breathe. No time to write. Agar ruk gaye to kyaa hoga? Agar aaj ‘dhyadi’ nahi lagaai to kya hoga? What about the salaries? The bills? The projects? Submissions? The same music. The same dance. All our lives. Abhi office badalna hai. What a huge task. pehle to dhoodhna hai. Appu has taken on that responsibility of looking for a suitable office ( suitable meaning according to our budget of course, not our needs). With all nighters the norm of the day, she has told me that she will keep one room separately for me to sleep in. And I have no idea whether this is out of concern or hidden resentment for the office.

I should have become a monk ( without the Ferrari). Or better still, invested in horses. If GC ever makes extra money, we would like to invest in high breed horses. Just the thought is making us feel so good.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

From maps to horses.




Finally have a few moments to write. Finally there are a few moments of peace. Of silence. The phone is not ringing (Thank God!). There is water in the office and the house. Most of the bills for this month have been paid. There is work and we are in the midst of completing three projects. Can you imagine that? From ‘No work’ to ‘some work’ to ‘so much work’! Unbelievable. But so much stuff in our lives is unbelievable.

Have not slept well for the past two months. There has been too much work, too much stress. Ditto for Appu. The admin issues, the team creation, the execution and completion of projects has taken up all the space in our lives. There is nothing left for anything else. No time, no energy to do anything apart from work. Our relationship is getting affected with this overload and yet I have no solutions, no alternative path as of now. It is just like a one way street with no end in sight. We are following a gruelling routine and there is no exit route.

There is no time to go for long walks in the park. No time to do normal things. To cook for Appu. To be with her. To be normal. Running GC has become a juggrenaut which has taken up all the space in our lives. And living in a city like Delhi is a very tiring task in itself. There are too many people, too many cars, too many masks, too many ambitions and too many male egos to tackle. Being a common man does not help at all. Being a woman on top of it is a complete disaster. We keep talking about the physical rapes happening in the city. What about the mental and emotional rapes happening in our own homes and offices all the time? What about them? The court metes out punishment based on what is written on the papers. What about the unwritten committments? The unwriitten committment when we take on a project or have a child or make love? Are we not supposed to follow it through till the end? And will it not be a crime to abandon the project, child or relationship midway?? Which court in the land can punish such crimes? It is so ironic. The biggest crimes are unpunished. And we keep fighting for money, property and all the other unnecessary stuff in courts. Ladte raho bhaiyya. Keep fighting. keep shouting. For all the wrong reasons. At all the wrong places. The Gods above must be in despair.

Mask utar lo bhai. Let us show our real faces to the world. Let us not be  poor in thought or action.

We have a team. A well paid one. For once we are capable of offering high remuneration to our technical team and we are very happy about it. It definitely takes us out of the realm of just earning dal roti or of meeting our basic needs and from being a part of the ‘aloo pyaaz ki GIS mandi’. We are doing good work. We are earning good money and we are very very grateful. To our Higher Power for this abundance in our lives today.

Thank you HP.



The ‘R’

Holi is over.

The best part of Holi this year has been the gujiyas made by Appu. All by herself. With no help at all.  Well done bebzer. Very proud of you.

Appu has gone to be with her grandparents and father to celebrate Holi. After a long time. I sincerely hope that she has a good time. Living with me has made her life very stressful. On all fronts.

The constitution of the Appellate Committee has ensured a certain transparency and consistency in the height clearance projects at AAI. Very welcome indeed. The work front is getting better. Of course the volume of bills are also increasing. And their amount. So I guess it is a constant crazy race to match the two.

Rishtey? C’ommon, you should have grown up by now. Economics ki baat karen?Care and concern. Which product do you wish to sell bhaiya? Care and Concern toh advertisements mein hi dikhta hai.What madness. Money. And more money. Quite a chakravyuh. And we are so happy enmeshed in it. We do not even wish to get out before we die.

Team. Oh yes, the team. The winning team. Pehle team to bana lo. Winning to baad ki baat hai. Why the hell are you so sarcastic man? Koshish kar rahen hain. Dekh rahen hain aap. We are trying. For a long time buddy. It has been years. There again, The sarcasm. Yaar time lagta hai. ATM machine to nahin hai. Ki kaam dalo aur success nikalo. Everything takes time. At least the good things.

At some point we wish to be out of this madness. How? No idea.

But we do wish to get out. Before it is too late. before we get completely sucked in. Maybe it is already too late.

very scary thought. Too late for what?

For restoration of the soul,mind,body. Foe resurrection. For recovery.

The ‘R’.




‘Everything is pointless’

Making money. It is a game. A very smart one. And we have to learn the rules of the game. Bahut jaldi samajh aa gaya bhai. Very early in the day. Just when we are getting closer to Nigambodh ghat, clarity dawns. vow. The only excuse for the delay in understanding is that the old school of thought did not permit talking about money and sex. And yet these are the only two things making or breaking the world. So now what. We could do a sprint. Make a dash to win the last lap of distance left. Try karne me to koi harz nahin hai. At most we might break a leg or two. Anyway, the graves do not refuse to accept broken bodies or souls. Anyone and anybody is welcome to the grave. So we are going to try and play this game of chess with money. Master it so to say. Not become its servant. A slave to money.

Voting for the MCD elections today. Till late last night, daaru was being distributed to various local heads of colonies, caste groups, muslim heads. votes in exchange of alcohol. What a deal. cheap and shameful. Yes, we are poor. if we can be bought for a bottle of alcohol, for false promises, for a piece of land, we are very very poor. It means that the universities, schools and parents of today are not doing their jobs. We have failed to be role models for the next generation.

Have not gone for my walk today. Have been sleeping for less than four hours on a daily basis for the past few weeks. Plan to just sleep for a while today. If it comes that is. The head is constantly buzzing with the tasks left undone, the bills still unpaid. We need projects. Same ringtone yaar. Please change it. OK. we need money. Again the same ‘rona’. change this too. OK. we need a ‘team’. Not again. We cannot think of anything else. Just leave us in peace.

‘peace’. Kya baat hai. In these times? In this age? Try an ‘art of living’ course. We need money for doing that. paise chhahiyen. time bhi chhahiye. Aur ‘living’ hi nahi ho rahi to ‘art’ kaise aayega?

Its pointless talking to you. Of course it is.

That is the point my dear.

‘Everything is pointless’


‘This Earth’

It is quite a job. To be a woman. To be constantly aware of the fact that at any moment, anyone can trespass our boundaries. Emotional or Physical. It is quite a scary thought and to constantly live with it can be very tiring and exhausting. Just behind the thin veneer of liberty, equality and freedom for women is this stark, brutal reality of being inferior to men. The moment we step out of the defined boundaries , there is hell to pay. In the family, in the society, in our professional lives and in the world at large. I guess that is why we are struggling with the bank so much. I am a woman and I have no land. There cannot be a worse combination. Add to it the lack of a ‘man’ behind me. pathetic. It is very difficult for the bankers to trust me with large amounts of money. Even though we have been paying the installments consistently. Even though our performance has been consistent, if not mind blowing or path breaking.

I do not know what the Higher Power has in mind for me. The HP’s intentions are not very clear to me as of now. To give in or to stand up. I was recently able to attend an NA meeting and a member shared how his daughters had no toilet to go to. How they did not dare to venture out in the night for relieving themselves as they could be molested or raped in the fields. So they have to wait the entire night until dawn breaks for going to the fields.  One of his daughters is now living with us and I have no idea how we could make her life better and if at all such a possibility exists. This is the development of our country if you may please. This is the reality behind the malls, the glitz and glamour of high technology gizmos. sachhai dekh lo yaar. Before it is too late. Maybe it already is too late.

We need to invest in the technology of ‘Photogrammetry’. So we are looking at the universe to open up sources for the funds and energy required. The stereo satellite images ordered for a specific project have not yet arrived. We are a unique country. Everything takes time. Even time takes time.

We continue to look for leaders. As I mentioned earlier, we are constantly in recruitment mode now. There is nothing much to say. There is fear. Constantly lurking behind as a backdrop in the mind and heart. Need large doses of faith here.

Choose between faith and money. Well?

I mean what about both. Or is there a guarantee that faith could lead to money and vice versa?

Just go to hell. But we are already in hell. I mean we are on this earth which is like hell.

‘This Earth’.

‘Hungry and passionate’

We have a team. Just that it is not a ‘winning’ team. The challenge is to have a ‘winning’ team. A team wanting to win at any cost. That is what we need. People who do not base their decisions on money. Who are not saleable items to be bought at a high price. Kahan milte hain? Every feeling,every emotion, every person today has a price tag. And that is the poverty. The worst kind of poverty. The poverty of thought.

Groupism, Unionbazi galore. Even in a small team such as ours. kar lo yaar. Kaam important nahin hai. Non issue ko issue bana lo. And let us keep fighting. Till we all die and persih. And then we can blame it on me or the country or the lack of opportunity or the weather or the food or the timing. What a waste of talent and intelligence. Just when we need to stand together and face the crisis the company is in, we are choosing to fight. Good work. let us keep it up. Let us use our fists and legs and punch each other. Why just prepare a demand charter. Let us go all out and show the stuff we are made of.

Will Gandhigiri work in such an environment? Simple living and high thinking. You bet.

‘Hamen bade log nahin chhahiye. hamen chhote log chahiye jinki soch badi ho’. Give us men and women who are alive. Give us men and women are are trained to do a job well to perfection. Who do not need to be trained to perform effortlessly and gracefully. Whose life and work is a perfect dance in harmony. Who do not need to be told to do an errorfree quality job. We can then talk about the package. We could then perhaps talk about the timings.

The problem is that we are all looking for an wasy way out. The shortest route to success. And a job. Just a job. We are not really committed to being successful or in winning the match. Just being on the field is enough for us. But it should not be enough. We have to be hungry and passionate about the match.

Hungry and passionate.

‘Time’ in place of ‘money’

There is no ‘Atta’ in the house. Amidst all the calls of clients (existing and potential),files,meetings, this thought floats uppermost in my mind. I mean to get ‘Atta’ from the flour mill is the most un-creative,un-romantic job on this earth. I guess that is one of the priority jobs today. Apart from the calculations for a site in Gurgaon and another in Mumbai. And of course Nagaur.

There is a lot of ‘change’ happening around us and any kind of ‘change’ is stressful. There is ‘work’ and it is more than we have handled before. The office needs to be changed and that is also a ‘stress’. But the shift in my opinion has to be in the mind rather than in any physical sense. To move from a ‘cramped space’ and ‘deprivation of thought’ to ‘abundance’ and ‘richness’ and ‘ vast open spaces’ in the head. The ‘head’ is the place where the magic happens. And to take the team along in this transformation is a huge task.

We are cruising along as of now at a steady speed. There are loans and instalments and payments to be made. But for once, the fear is less. There is hope and the winds are favouring us (a clear sky, no fog). Visibility is high and we know the direction in which we are heading (that in itself is a miracle). I think HP’s (Higher Power) radar has detected us finally and we are being looked after and guided towards a safe landing (This is the result of being surrounded by aviation language!).

Dimpi is handling the Nagaur and Uniyara project on her own ( good work Dimpi) and we all have faith in her capabilities. We argue and fight sometimes but that is ok. Its part of the process of executing a live project. Himanshu and Shiva have come to the office on time today (can you believe it?). Hats off guys. Keep it up.

Arvind is back after the survey of Uniyara and with the khasra maps of the villages. Hopefully work will start on this town today.

‘Time’. Desperately looking for time ‘to be’ with myself. To be with Appu. Choosing to be an enterpreneur implies that there is ‘no money’ most of the time. But what about a little ‘time’. Think about it HP. Just trying to negotiate here. ‘Time’ in place of ‘money’. You could consider that. Its definitely worth a thought.

Do not give me that ‘one moment in time’ when the world is thunderously applausing me, just give me one moment in time when I could quietly be with myself and feel peace. Just give me that one moment in time when I can look in my daughters’ eyes and know that I did not fail her, that I did my best.

When I know that I did not stay quiet when I should have spoken up. When I know that I have done my bit to leave this world slightly better and cleaner, When I know that at I have contributed in making at least one more life happier.

Before the baton is passed on to the next gen.


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